[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
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I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Bring back the McRib
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH