[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
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My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here