[first date with a therapist] ME: so, tell me about myself

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

“You can’t tell me what to do! I do what I want!”- toddlers, teenagers and US congress

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.

goldfish mafia

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