Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.

A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

Coffee is ready.