Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.

Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

He just like my cat fr

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad

wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’