[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
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What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.