[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
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[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?