Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in

Pig: nope

Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks

Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.

Her: “So, are you religious?”

Him: “I’m part Catholic.”

Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”

Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”

#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.