[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
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We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.