Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn