Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.

In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

You’re never alone. Theres mold

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days