Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10

364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.

1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?

The captain was standing on the deck.

#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Captcha: pick all the squares with worms

Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

I can’t stop laughing at this

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo