[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
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-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.