@BoogTweets

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

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@sarcasticmommy4

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

@TheHatdog

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

@RachelWenitsky

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

@ClaytonSykes

Revere rides a horse saying “The British are Coming”and it’s heroic but I hop a pogo stick naked screaming “look at me”and it’s probation?

@ToskaXxx

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

@rudy_mustang

computer: enter password

me: mypulloutgame

computer: password weak

all 8 of my kids: daddy why are you crying

@thepunningman

“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”

@GingerGander

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

@dumbbeezie

That confusing moment when the person you hate at work brings donuts

@AnOrangeSNES

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.