It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
You Might Also Like
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Revere rides a horse saying “The British are Coming”and it’s heroic but I hop a pogo stick naked screaming “look at me”and it’s probation?
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
computer: enter password
computer: password weak
all 8 of my kids: daddy why are you crying
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”
Two days have passed, no reply.
That confusing moment when the person you hate at work brings donuts
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.