Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party

Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.

Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

[taking girlfriend out]

her dad: have her back at a reasonable time

me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time

her dad: propose

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab