Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok

When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..

I said, you too..

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

Him- I’ll have a lemona…

Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.

Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.