[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
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The Struggle
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.