[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
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If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce