*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
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I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Ooops wrong house😂😜
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.