Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency

Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen

this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.

I try

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”