Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.

“Annie are you ok?”

-yep

“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”

-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

This is my cat’s medicine.

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