Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

This is the dumbest end of the world ever.

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

wife: “man, we’re broke.”

me: “that’s all about to change!”

wife: “how?”

me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”

Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”

Me: “Pretty cool, right?”