Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

wife: what time is it

me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch

If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.

My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.

VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying

Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants