@SteveSuckington

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

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@TravLeBlanc

If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.

@baaabs_29

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

@ch000ch

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

@RappaRick

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples

@LindaInDisguise

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

@Mom_Overboard

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.