If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
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TacoBell – America’s preferred over-the-counter laxative
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Why is Santa’s sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.