[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
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Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here