[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
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I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
This is enough internet for the day.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.