Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.

I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.

It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

Kung fu movie idea:

She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.

When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of

KUNG FU CAT LADY

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security