[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
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grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Holy shit he’s back
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Finished stitching this today 😇
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one