[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
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The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Got him!
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
But that’s none of my business
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house