Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

[at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

[Murderer chasing me]

Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET

Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me

Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*

Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”

Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer

It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.

STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.