Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

#HatDadJoke

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.

Me: I love the 90s!

Grandparents: we have names

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.