Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

Snapes on a plane.

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites

Middle Earth: Yay

Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]