Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

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Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

my professor scared me for a second

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

*weighs self*

“Shit”

*takes clothes off*

“GODDAMMIT”

*takes tampon out*

C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible

contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to

me: yea i don’t

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.