Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.