[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
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Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
hi why am I like this
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good