@realfunghi

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

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@tiemoose

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

@huntigula

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

@est1975blog

I didn’t realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn’t see it

@PetrickSara

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

@CulturedRuffian

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

@Tommytoughstuff

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

@UnicornSyrup

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

@rolldiggity

When your date asks about your hobbies, DON’T grab her table knife in a napkin and say, “Collecting knives with strangers’ prints on them.”

@girlnarly

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?