Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

at ease…shoulder.

No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right