Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!

…and other things I never said before having kids

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

Another day, another…goddammit

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened