Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…

…żyje?

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.