@Ygrene

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

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@curseoffeeling

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

@DomesticGoddss

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

@ShortSleeveSuit

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

@FilthyRichmond

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their c**ktails while they’re trying to catch her.

@NomDeBenoit

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

@tastefactory

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

@Thelazyemperor

It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

@jenlaw_11

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

@iamspacegirl

me: I’m tired

Medieval Physician: Ok I’m gonna cut you open to drain your blood

me: Maybe I could rest

MP: haha no I’m cutting your veins

@jrza84

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.