@Ygrene

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

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@Clint_Bing

Guy asked me today if I’ve ever owned a dog. I was like lmao yeah I own dogs all the time they can’t even say shit back

@SteveSuckington

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

@Lazer_Cat_

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

@rohmontgomery

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

@AbbieEvansXO

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

@AmishPornStar1

Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.

@Vice_Queen

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

@kidd_kong78

There is so much going on here.

The name, the crimes, the mugshot.