[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
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Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.