Guy asked me today if I’ve ever owned a dog. I was like lmao yeah I own dogs all the time they can’t even say shit back
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
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[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
My uncle was a world-famous chainsaw juggler. For one show.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Tastes like chicken.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
There is so much going on here.
The name, the crimes, the mugshot.