[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
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I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Me irl
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.