[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
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i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Oops
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis