Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person

Girl: I’m not going to go out with you

Me: So you hate the planet?

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

Seems legit.

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”