Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”

This is no longer winter this is harassment

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”

Me: “Bet.”

Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

Ha.

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation