Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mmm onion ringos

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?

me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me

Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?

Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

john wicks are toilet candles

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”

JUST. TWO. THINGS.

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.