Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.

So glad we cleared that up

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

what do you want

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

me: hi do you take walk-ins

the morgue: what

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool