Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.