[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
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Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Wish all of my viruses were this polite