First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
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OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Cucumbers Anonymous
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
I have many caverns
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta