Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

Nice try, poison.

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin

dermatologist: aloe

me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?