Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months

me: i thought i got three wishes right now

genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.