Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?

My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.

Husband: But the seal is right th….

Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

B2….

or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?