[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
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Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”