[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
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BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Breaking news:
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom