[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
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Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job