Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

Cat or sheep

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder

70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.