Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

Joseph Smith, 1833

[at my funeral]

boss : you’re LATE

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

[first day as a baker]

boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?

me: you said to make donuts

b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!

m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?

susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons

teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice