Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

if a cop pulls u over play dead

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”

13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.