Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.