*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
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Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Still my favorite headline of all time:
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*