I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
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*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Some schools are banning Santa so they don’t offend non-Christian students. That sucks, because Santa is my favorite part of the Bible.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Are we there yet?…
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
You may be a good person deep down inside, but I don’t carry around a shovel
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart
*professor x starts laughing from the other room*