Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

Pat is about to own someone

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.