Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW

– alcohol

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)