*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
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My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok