@SJSchauer

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

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@LMLMadness

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

@IamJackBoot

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

@TeejayRush

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

@mexinonblonde

Him-You have the most beautiful lips.

Me-Wait…how do you know what my…..
Ohhhhh, you mean the lips in my Avi!
Yes, I know.
Thank you.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

@Gupton68

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count

@Tmoney68

Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?

@BBQJones28

Family cookouts are spent telling me to “stop…don’t say that”

@slimmy_shady

CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.