*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

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Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.


The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?


Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…


Him-You have the most beautiful lips.

Me-Wait…how do you know what my…..
Ohhhhh, you mean the lips in my Avi!
Yes, I know.
Thank you.


[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?


The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count


Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?


Family cookouts are spent telling me to “stop…don’t say that”


CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.