Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”

Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”

Guy: “It’s completely full.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists