Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

what it’s like dating me:

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly