When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
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the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.