Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

[framing store]

SALESPERSON: how can I help you

ME: make it look like my wife did a murder

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

oh you like nyc? name every rat

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?