[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
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*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Yup
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.