[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
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I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.