Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him

40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

I will never stop laughing at this

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

Monday again. I just knew this would happen

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste