Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

#ThisMakesMeLaugh

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am