[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
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Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I don’t think my car can fly
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding