[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
You Might Also Like
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
There’s only one good girl here!
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!