[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
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Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.