[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
You Might Also Like
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Somedays I just love AI so much
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive