[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
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My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.