Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
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My new favorite headline
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
they should invent a hydrating liquor
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I already tried new things thanks.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
*frowns in Scottish*
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.