[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

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The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.


She invited me over for a romantic dinner and told me I was the dessert.

I wanted ice cream.


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This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.


[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”


Me: [being murdered] Sorry, did my wife hire you for this?

Him: [still stabbing] Yes she did.

Me: How much is this costing me?


My dirty language got me suspended in school but many years later I get rewarded with stars and retweets, never give up on your dreams kids.


Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?