Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you